Parents are often shocked the first time they hear an obvious lie coming out of their sweet toddler’s mouth to hide inappropriate behavior. On the flip side, parents can be perfectly charmed when their child tells a story of how an elephant visited daycare and the whole class was able to ride on its back.

Both of these statements are disingenuous, but does your child really understand the difference? At Alzein Pediatrics, we know that lying is part of healthy child development. However, parents’ reaction to it will make all the difference in whether your child continues to lie to deceive or lie in a socially acceptable manner.

My Reality Is The Only Reality

Experts suggest that until the age of around 3 children don’t intend to lie; they simply see their experience of the world as the only possible way to experience it. What is true for a toddler seems like the only possible truth; their reality is the only reality.

From the ages of 3 to 7, children develop a sense of what’s true and what’s false, but they can still struggle to distinguish their intense feelings from the material truth. Imaginary friends, monsters under the bed, and other fantastic ideas can feel truthful to children in this age group. The way these children see it, they are not deceiving or misstating the truth. In these moments, your Alzein Pediatrics providers recommend introducing doubt rather than trying to prove the truth. This approach helps your child distinguish fact from fantasy.

Why Lying Could Continue

As children grow, they develop social and language skills that help them realize that how they see the world is not how others see the world. When these two worlds don’t agree, lying can become a way for children to adapt and adjust to that disagreement. In those moments, first determine if the inaccurate statement is actually a lie or just a sign that your child doesn’t understand how truth works yet.

Children will then develop the ability to intentionally lie and, importantly, to maintain that lie over time. This ability is a powerful skill, especially as children try to forge a sense of independence and self. Children learn that lying can help them in a number of common situations. Some children lie to avoid consequences for their actions, some lie in an effort to make people happy, and others lie to test their boundaries and abilities.

How Parents Can Alleviate Lying

Studies show punishing kids for lying isn’t very effective and can even make the children better liars. Harsh punishments themselves create an incentive – avoiding harsh punishment – for children to lie, and like any skill, the more children lie, the better they become at it.

Instead, parents should help children understand the value of honesty and the risks of lying, rather than relying on copious evidence to disprove the child’s lie.

Explaining Lies of Kindness

It’s also better to discuss the benefits of honesty and truth because not all lies are created equally. Research shows that learning to tell “kind lies” is actually a sign of a child’s social development and intelligence. Your child telling Grandma “Oh, I love this sweater!” when the sweater is just hideous might be a lie, but it is also the socially mature, kind thing to say.

We recommend spending the bulk of your time talking about the positive value of honesty rather than focusing on the negatives of lying. Help your child understand that honest communication helps everybody make better choices.

Talk about your own honest actions as well as the lies your child catches you telling. Discuss the difference between a lie told in defense to get out of trouble – “I didn’t do it!” – compared to a lie told for someone else’s comfort – “Yes Grandma, I like the sweater!” – and when those kinds of lies might be appropriate.

Set a good example by patterning honesty for your child and discussing both the true and false statements you make, and why you make them.

If your older child continues to lie, message your Alzein Pediatrics provider. Frequent lying, often for no discernable reason, can be a coping mechanism for children who are struggling emotionally.  We are here to help!