When your child prefers mac and cheese over chicken tenders, as parents we shrug and just hope they don’t change their minds before they eat the ten packages of pasta we’ve just purchased. However, when a child says, “I like Dad better” or just wants Mom to read to them at bedtime, it can be difficult for the “unfavored” parent to handle.
At Alzein Pediatrics, we’ve seen parents of both genders struggle with these phases and we’re here to explain how to get through.
First, understand that this kind of preference is completely normal, even though it may make you feel rejected and sad. Children can show parental preference at any age, though the behavior tends to be more common and pronounced in toddlers. Experts believe there are a range of possible causes for parental preference including the obvious; who feeds them and who performs the majority of child care tasks. When one parent spends more time with the child, it can result in a child who feels more comfortable with that parent. However, there’s also research that indicates parental preferences may be linked to major life events for the child and even have a possible genetic component.
And in many cases, there’s no discernable reason for a child’s parental preference!
While research can’t say for certain why children develop parental preferences and why those preferences come and go as children grow, scientists have found no evidence that childhood parental preference impacts the long-term parent-child relationship—as long as the parent doesn’t let this passing phase become the defining characteristic of the relationship.
If a parent takes a child’s preference personally (and it can be hard not to feel hurt by a child’s preference for the other parent), it can then be difficult for your child to form strong attachments to the “unfavored” parent, which does have an impact on the long-term mental health of the child. Negative feelings and consequences of a child’s parental preference can also cause additional stress across the family and shape how caregiving is delivered.
If your child shows a preference for one parent over the other, remember that this kind of preference is common and is typically a phase. However, how you respond to the phase will help your child learn how to socialize with different people. Your response can also position you to be available to your kiddo when they’re ready.
In some cases, parental preference is a result of an unbalanced distribution of parenting activities. If your child seems to prefer one parent for all the tasks, such as diaper changes or potty-training, feedings, storytime, or bath-time, put the less favored parent in charge of at least half of these tasks, to help establish a bond.
Another possible parenting dynamic that can escalate a child’s parental preference is the so-called “good cop/bad cop” approach. When one parent is responsible for rewards and another is responsible for punishment, that creates conditions that make parental preference more likely.
But even if you and your partner have an equitable distribution of responsibilities and maximize your time together as a family and one-on-one with your child, your child may still develop a preference for one parent over the other. In those cases, there are things both the more- and less-preferred parent can do to promote strong relationships all around.
If you’re the preferred parent, you’ll want to help your child by encouraging them to try some activities or tasks with the other parent. While it can feel great to be preferred, your child benefits from having full and healthy relationships with lots of other people, and that begins with both parents. The preferred parent should help and support their parenting partner. Talking positively about the other parent with your child can help them appreciate how to love and interact with different people. Talking with your parenting partner about their feelings will help them appreciate that parental preference is just a phase in a relationship that will last a lifetime.
If you aren’t the preferred parent, you might worry that this moment of childhood preference will come to define your relationship with your child. Experts recommend not reacting in ways that suggest you’re hurt or offended as that can confuse your child. Instead, remind them that you’re available and then be there as much as possible. Join your child and preferred parent with an activity, increase the amount of one-on-one time with your child, and develop activities your own activities like park visits or story-time.
Most of all, keep in mind that, just like that mac and cheese, this phase of parental favorites will pass. Stay positive, stay engaged with your child, and if you have any questions, just message your Alzein Pediatrics provider!
