Compared to other mammals, humans take a very long time to develop and mature into adulthood. For example, a squirrel is born, nurtured and weaned away, coming into their full independence at about 12 weeks old. Even orangutangs, some of the closest relatives to human beings, leave their parents when they are about 10 years old. In humans, it takes several years just for the child to be in full control of their body. Humans take another dozen or so years learning, acquiring skills, and physically maturing. Recent research suggests that the human brain isn’t done developing until about the age of 26.
Here at Alzein Pediatrics, we know that not only is the period of human development longer than previously thought, the cultural expectations around parenting during development compound the pressures parents face when trying to raise their children.
On one hand, the impulse to structure each and every minute of your child’s day and hold them to the highest standards seems to make sense. Numerous studies show that children with actively involved parents have better long-term quality of life outcomes than children without strong and consistent parental involvement. If little to no involvement is harmful to a child, does maximum involvement produces maximized outcomes?
Not so fast. Research shows – and we agree – that overparenting increases the stress a child feels and lowers their self-confidence, while adding to the parents’ stress as well.
Overparenting has a variety of names: tiger parenting, helicopter parenting, overindulgent parenting, and overprotective parenting. Parenting styles range from “authoritative” to “uninvolved”. There are also jellyfish parents, who let their children lead from a very early age, with little instruction, few rules and fewer consequences.
While you may want to always see yourself in the Goldilocks middle, the “dolphin parent” – someone who is supportive but not suffocating – the truth is your child needs to be parented across the range of styles as they grow.
Parents must begin with lots of control because babies can’t do anything for themselves. Toddlers need to be given safety guidelines about the use of stairs, keeping their fingers out of electrical outlets and not licking hand rails at the store. But as children grow, parents need to do less controlling and allow their child more and more freedom.
Numerous studies show that attentive and involved parenting produces lasting beneficial outcomes for children. But what’s crucial about involved parenting is that it must be “developmentally appropriate parenting.” Making your kid a grilled cheese when they are four, can’t see over the stovetop and don’t have a healthy respect for intense heat yet is developmentally appropriate. Being woken up at midnight to make your teen a grilled cheese because they don’t want to make it themselves is not developmentally appropriate.
An authoritarian approach to parenting might work when the child is very young and extensively dependent on the parents to learn safety and skills, but over time that approach will become constraining to the overall development of the child. Similarly, a very early permissive approach to parenting does not help the child to develop complex life skills early, creating problems over time.
Studies of children who were overparented as they grew conclude that excessive parental involvement increases the likelihood of depression, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and alcohol abuse in the child. Beyond denying children an opportunity to develop self-sufficient coping techniques for all of life’s troubles, overparenting also sends a very immediate message to your child. When you step in to do a task for your child, you are implicitly saying “You can’t do this without me.” Over time, the child will internalize that message and begin thinking there are other things they can’t do for themselves.
Experts believe the best form of parenting is involved and attentive, but not always in control – the dolphin method. There is a gradual increase of the child’s autonomy, with modeling of core character values and instruction when needed. Dolphin parenting nurtures the child’s nature instead of what the parent desires. Dolphin parents maintain their authority, but have collaborative discussions about rules and consequences with their children. This fosters, creativity, critical thinking, communication and collaboration in kids. They are prepared to live a life with a sustainable healthy internal drive, with balance, meaning and purpose.
As the child develops, our parenting styles should become more and more freeing. Be conscious of shifting your parenting role from protector to coach to cheerleader over time. Early on, we protect our young so they can develop skills and stay safe. But over time, they need less of our protection and more practice dealing with life’s twists and turns on their own.
Do you have questions about your child’s development and mental health? Make an appointment with your Alzein Pediatrics provider by calling our office at 708-424-7600 or by scheduling an appointment online. We will be happy to help!
